Breaking: Transcript of Today’s Fed Meeting

I’m afraid I can’t disclose my sources, but I got hold of a transcript of today’s FOMC meeting.
I’ll warn you, it’s a bit rough:


Bernanke:…as you can see in Chart 34-D, aggregate household balance sheets remain generally sound; although some pockets of distress have surfaced, average delinquency rates on mortgages remain at elevated levels…
Kroszner: Hey folks, lunch is here!
Warsh: Finally, I’m starving.
Lacker: Alright!
Bies: Hallelujah!
Yellen: Where’d he order…Krupins?
Poole: Anybody check the market?
Geithener: OK, who had the chicken salad?
Kohn: Yeah, it’s not looking good.
Mishkin: That’s me.
Lacker: The chicken salad?
Kohn: No, the dollar.
Geithener: Turkey Breast?
Lacker: LOL, how bad?
Kroszner: Yo!
Kohn: $1.33.
Poole: Damn it.
Mishkin: Hey, how’s Google? LOL
Bies: Randy, I had the turkey. I think you had the pastrami.
Kroszner: Oh, you’re right. My bad.
Bernanke: What about the yen?
Mishkin: I just got 300 shares at $485.
Kohn: I didn’t see the yen. CNBC had some reporter at a mall in Jersey.
Yellen: This is yours.
Poole: Liz Claman?
Warsh: LOL.
Poole: Man, I like that Liz.
Kroszner: Give me Becky, anytime.
Geithener: Corned beef for the chair.
Warsh: Boo-yah, Freddie. LOL.
Bernanke: Thanks Tim.
Geithener: OK, I’ve got unclaimed roast beef assets.
Kroszner: Check out GROW. That stock kicks ass.
Geithener: Going once, going twice….
Pianalto: Sold!
Mishkin: What does it do?
Geithener: I think we have an extra pastrami.
Kroszner: It fucking goes up. That’s what it does. LOL.
Yellen: I had the Cobb salad
Geithener: Oh, here you go Jan.
Yellen: Thanks.
Geithener: Hey, can somebody tip the guy?
Bies: Don’t look at me, Tim. I put all my money in euros!
All: LOL
(long, awkward pause)
Bernanke: Um…okay people, let’s get back to business. We have a lot to get through.
Mishkin: Hey Ben, what’s the rush? I know we’re not gonna cut. You know we’re not gonna cut. Everybody knows it. No use forcing this.
Bies: He’s right B. Let’s punt it till January.
Kroszner: Yeah, let’s just chill. See how the market takes it. Hell, the more we keep our mouths shut the better.
Poole: LOL, that’s right. I’m with Fred.
Yellen: Me too.
Bies: Me too.
Geithener: This is so weird. How’d we get an extra pastrami? Is it yours Kev?
Warsh: Sorry, bro.
Bernanke: Ladies and Gentleman, I feel as if I must remind you that we have an obligation—a duty—to look at the broad spectrum of economic activity. As the FOMC, that’s our job.
Pianalto: That’s right, Mr. Chairman. We haven’t even discussed my bank’s region…
(Assorted Moans)
Mishkin: Oh, Christ.
Kroszner: Here she goes again.
Geithener: Folks, we’ve got an extra pastrami if anybody wants it.
Pianalto: Mr. Chairman, I’ve prepared a Power Point presentation…
(Loud and Prolonged Groans)
Poole: Oh, fuck!
Mishkin: No way. I am NOT sitting through this shit again.
Geithener: Look, I’m just going to throw it away if nobody wants it.
Pianalto: This details a disturbing slack in gross output…
Poole: I got a 3 o’clock tee…
Pianalto: …of aggregate demand.
Mishkin: Gee Sandy, why could that be? Why could that possibly be?? Oh, right, it’s fucking Cleveland. That’s why! You live in fucking Cleveland!
Kroszner: Ba!
Pianalto: Mr. Chairman!
Warsh: Oh, snap!
Bernanke: Gentleman, please
Pianalto: Mr. Chairman!
Bies: LOL
Bernanke: I must ask you to please respect…
Geithener: Look, it’s a perfectly good sandwich.
Bernanke: Sandy, it might be easier for the committee if you just gave us a summary.
Pianalto: Well, I’ve also prepared this memo.
Mishkin: Geez…well, why didn’t you start with that?
Bernanke: Mr. Mishkin…
Mishkin: I’m sorry Ben, but she does this every fucking time.
Geithener: Fine, I’ll eat it.
(Pause as Bernanke paces the floor)
Bernanke: Ladies and gentleman, I have to go up to Capitol Hill in a few weeks for Humphrey-Hawkins. Not you guys, but me, all alone! And I got to face the brand-new committee chairs. These guys are looking for blood, and I can’t go in empty-handed. We need to get our act together. We need a solid, tough statement from us.
Poole: Who are the new chairs, anyway?
Geithener: Um, I think it’s the guy from Connecticut.
Kroszner: Dodd?
Bernanke: Right, Dodd and …um…who’s that gay one?
Mishkin: Hillary?
All: LOL
Bernanke:Very funny.
Bies: No, not Hillary. The one who has sex with men!
All: ROFL
Bernanke: People, please.
Yellen: Just watch out for Bunning, he’s cuckoo.
Kroszner: Forget Bunning, stay away from Bartiromo.
All: LOL
Bernanke: I swear, you guys are worse than a faculty meeting at Princeton. Now let’s focus on the wording of the statement. I think we have to keep the ling about “inflation pressures seem likely to moderate over time.”
Eddy: BA!
Pianalto: Who said that?
Pianalto: I think it came from the… the credenza?
Bernanke: Folks, we don’t have much time. Can we get back…
Bies: Wait…did the eyes in that portrait just move?
Bernanke: …to our statement…
Geithener: OH, DEAR LORD!
Poole: What?
Geithener: This pastrami is terrible.
Kroszner: Benny, the most important thing we need to make clear is that we have to tell the bond market that the Federal Reserve will not let the housing market do our job for us.
Mishkin: Exactly!
Bernanke: But they know that’s not true.
Mishkin: Of course they know that, but we still have to go through the motions.
Bernanke: Are you saying we have to lie?
Mishkin: No, I’m saying we have to lie AND make it perfectly obvious that we know we’re lying.
Geithener: Seriously guys, this is inedible.
Yellen: He’s right, Ben. If we don’t lie clearly and obviously, it could hurt our credibility with the markets.
Bernanke: Gee, I dunno. Bill, what do you think?
Poole: Personally, I think the best strategy is just attack it head on and keep focused.
Bernanke: Aren’t you worried about fallout from the currency and bond markets?
Poole: I’m sorry. I thought we were talking about the pastrami.
Bernanke: Does anyone else have something to add?
Kroszner: Look, it’s real simple. We don’t meet again until late-January. Until then, we talk tough in public but let the dollar fall against every dipshit currency out there.
Mishkin: It’s really quite easy.
Bernanke: Geez, is this as cynical as I think?
Warsh: Yeah, probably.
Bernanke: Ok, but let’s make the vote with one abstention again. The media loves that. Jeff, is that cool with you?
Lacker: Um…yeah, whatever.
Bernanke: Well, I think we’re all set then. Oh, I nearly forgot. Do we have your approval, sir?
Rove: Let’s roll.
Bernanke: Terrific! Meeting adjourned.

Posted by on December 12th, 2006 at 1:45 pm


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