Fans Flock to Mourn California, 1849-2009

Iowahawk is on the scene:

From a humble beginning as a water-poor remote Spanish mission outpost, California proved to be a precocious and talented child performer. It struck gold with ‘Sutter’s Mill’ in 1849, earning accolades and attracting millions of crusty bearded prospectors. Black gold soon followed with ‘Arizona.’ Unlike many child acts, California made a smooth transition to adolescence, scoring a major hit with ‘Agriculture’ in 1891.
Even a frightening bout with tremors did not stop the flow of hits. The 1915 megasmash ‘Hollywood’ broke all records, as did the wartime favorite ‘Aerospace.’ More recently, California topped the charts with ‘Tourism,’ ‘High Tech,’ and ‘Coastal Pretension.’
For a time it seemed as if the superstar could do no wrong, but behind the glittering facade of Disneyland Manor troubling signs of mental instability began to emerge. The state developed a well-publicized drug problem during filming of 1967’s ‘Summer of Love,’ and briefly dabbled in strange religious cults. Under the influence of spiritual guru Jerry Brown, it began wholesale experimentation in exotic spending programs, eventual resulting in a traumatic 1979 stay at the Prop 13 Rehab Center.
During the 80’s and 90’s California enjoyed a brief career renaissance with hits like ‘Olympics,’ ‘Real Estate’ and ‘Dot Com Boom,’ but personal problems plagued the reclusive star once again. During the recording of the ‘OJ’ and ‘Rodney King’ albums, friends and visitors expressed concern over its recurring tremors and penchant for self-mutilation.
“California used to be so happy and beautiful,” said a horrified Ohio. “I hardly recognize it any more.”
During that period, camp insiders say the increasingly psychotic state began driving away its long time professional management team and support crew. In its place, it assembled an entourage of con men and embezzlers, some of who stoked California’s increasingly bizarre environmental paranoia. It was seldom seen in public without a breathing mask to ward off imagined pollutants.
Worse, the hits began drying up; the huge 2001 flop ‘Dot Com Bust’ put a huge crimp into California’s once unlimited cash flow. Despite the setback, insiders say the superstar was unwilling to change its lavish lifestyle, and retreated once again into spending abuse. Personal expenses skyrocketed, propelled in part by California’s eight million adopted foster children. During the 90’s sensationalistic accounts of child abuse began surfacing. Eyewitnesses reported California cruising local neighborhoods in school buses, luring unsuspecting kid for sessions of ‘public education.’ By some estimates hundreds of thousands were left traumatized and severely brain damaged.

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Posted by on July 10th, 2009 at 1:47 pm


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